How to housebreak a husband.
Husbands really only have one problem; they tend to be men. But that one problem covers a wide variety of concerns, which we will address here. No need to hire a “Husband Whisperer” to get the job done. Just follow these 5 handy dandy little tips, and you’ll have him not only doing his business outside, but thanking you for the privilege!
- The first time your husband throws something dirty or wet on the floor, get a rolled up newspaper and tap him gently on the nose several times, while repeating firmly, but not loudly, “Bad husband!” After about a dozen times he should catch on and begin leaving his stuff in a laundry basket, or at least at the foot of the basement stairs.
- Break him of the habit of leaving water rings on tables, right away. It’s easy to say to yourself “Oh well, the dumb creature is caught up with a football game and I’d rather not disturb him until it’s over.” We cannot begin to tell you how wrong such delay is! The minute your husband puts down his beverage without a coaster you must confront him. Turn off the television or radio, or quietly take away his Sports Illustrated magazine, and make him sniff the coaster you wave under his nose. Demonstrate several times in a row how to use it. Then throw one in the corner and make him fetch. By now he should have a pretty good idea of what to do with a coaster. Leave a large supply of them within handy reach, and don’t forget to reward him when he does use a coaster – give him some additional Doritos or an extra piece of Slim Jim.
- Husbands like to sleep on the furniture, where they shed hair and leave unpleasant odors. Unless you have purposely banished him to the couch for the night, you must maintain a constant vigilance so your husband does not curl up and begin snoring on your fauteuil. When you catch him getting too comfortable, have a spray bottle filled with water ready to give him a couple of spritzes with. He will quickly learn that his place is on the floor, and not on his mistress’ good furniture.
- Keep him out of the bathroom. Husbands love nothing better than to mess around in your bathroom, lathering themselves, shaving, gargling with horrible sounds, and singing Beach Boy songs in the shower. To prevent this you must make your husband understand early on that you have made a place for him out in the garage. When he displays the urge to enter your bathroom, tighten his choke collar for 30 seconds to indicate your displeasure and then walk him out to the garage and leave him there for an hour. He will soon prefer to spend all his time out THERE rather than in your house.
- It is frustrating, and embarrassing, when you are out walking your husband, to have to stop every other minute so he can mark his territory by saying hello to every pretty girl that passes by. You can solve the problem very easily by putting a muzzle on him for a few weeks. Once he gets over the discomfort and stops wagging his head back and forth you can take the muzzle off and he’ll remain as quiet, and docile, as a mouse.
This entertaining blog is brought to you by Joes’ Shoe Repair, of Provo, Utah.