Some Golf Courses You May Have Missed . . .

golf

There are some highly unusual and challenging golf courses around the world which the avid golfer will want to play during his or her lifetime. Here are 8 of them:

  1. Saint Glooks. Scotland. This 18-hole course is nestled in the Southern Mole Hills, just west of the quaint village of Malarkey. It features quicksand traps and is completely astro-turfed. Players are invited to stop in at the clubhouse for a traditional meal of fried haggis sandwiches and a mug of mucked hootchy-kootchy. Tipping is optional, but you better do it if you want to see your clubs again.
  2. McGolfs. California. You can supersize your golf score without any hassles at this express course. Order a dozen golf ball nuggets with an assortment of dipping sauces, or try their new mocha-flavored mashie niblick. Ronald will be your caddy.
  3. Broken Kneecaps. New Jersey. They admit to 18 holes, but the FBI alleges at least 25 more suspicious depressions in the ground where Mafia kingpins may have dropped their last birdie. It is suggested you rent a bullet-proof vest in the pro shop before venturing out on the greens. Guido and Frankie will be your bodyguards . . . er, caddies.
  4. Lazy Links. Florida. For the mature senior citizen who has earned the right to take it easy. You not only get a golf cart for yourself, but one for your ball; you never have to hit it – just place it in the golf cart provided and an attendant will drive it to the next hole and drop it in for you.
  5. Ole and Lena’s One-Holer. Minnesota. Yah, sure. Da easiest course in da Midvest, you betcha! Dat one-holer in da backyard ain’t exactly what yew might tink. Yust drink a big glass of prune yuice before you get here, by golly. Yew can’t miss. Uff da!
  6. Happy Luck Course of Golf. Thailand. You get a foot massage at every hole. Coconuts have to be played where they lay. During the monsoon the water hazards increase slightly, so you’ll play all 18 holes from a raft. The caddies all wear sarongs, and if you can keep your eye on the ball you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.
  7. El Golfo Corso. Argentina. The Argentines love to play golf. Between revolutions you can find them out on the golf course day and night. It’s no problem if you don’t speak Spanish; you can learn the standard curse words in a matter of minutes when you foozle a shot.
  8. Cleek Cloisters. Italy. This course is frequented by the Pope and his entourage. Miraculously, he never gets anything but a holiness-in-one. When you play it you’ll want to do as the Romans do; instead of yelling “Fore!” you’ll holler “Fortissimo!” The sand traps and grassy bunkers are no problem, but look out for the marinara pits! Some impetuous golfers have gone into them and never returned. If your ball hits a tenor singing La Donna Mobile you will be penalized two strokes.

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carls

This hole in one is NOT brought to you by Carl’s Jr.  They are in no way, shape or form connected with it.

 

The Very Eccentric Hobby of Cornelius Veldhosen.

Cornelius Veldhosen
Cornelius Veldhosen

Many cinema buffs were enchanted by Woody Allen’s film Zelig, in which Allen the director took his movie character and placed him in doctored newsreel footage of famous events, so that he appeared to hobnob with the likes of Al Capone, Herbert Hoover, and Adolf Hitler.

Dutch shipping magnate Cornelius Veldhosen has stolen a march on Mr. Allen, and is quietly buying up the rights to American films of the 30’s and 40’s so he can place himself unobtrusively in them.

He began this odd hobby in 1998, when he purchased the rights to Frank Capra’s movie Meet John Doe.  Working with a team of graphic and video experts, Veldhosen removed the character of the Afro-American janitor seen scrubbing floors at the end of the film and put himself in the role instead.  Then he allowed the rights to the film to go public, so it is now offered on Youtube and other video websites free of charge.

Enchanted with the results, he next bought the rights to all 16 Boston Blackie films – B movies produced by Columbia Pictures in the early 40’s.  In each film’s denouement, while Boston Blackie is explaining to a room full of murder suspects who the real culprit is, Mr. Veldhosen can be seen calmly sitting in one of the chairs, puffing on a cigar and looking rather smug.

In 2013 the Paris Times Herald interviewed Mr. Veldhosen, asking him why he is spending a significant portion of his fortune on this eccentric venture.

He replied with a shrug and said “I wanted to invade cinema history and make it topsy turvy.”

He said his next project involves the Roy Rogers cowboy movie catalogue, where he hopes to be able to supplant character actor Gabby Hayes.

The Film Historical Society of The Hague, Holland, has labeled Mr. Veldhosen’s peculiar hobby as “Monstrous and insane.”  They have filed a court order in Los Angeles, California, to prevent him from completing the project, which Veldhosen claims is already halfway complete.

 

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thongsook

This interesting blog is brought to you by Thongsook College, of Bangkok, Thailand.  They offer a streamlined Bacherlor’s Degree in Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

Ten Tips for Your Next Job Interview.

womanexe

10 tips for a successful job interview.

You have exhausted the possibilities of your present position; it’s time to move your career to the next level.  This often means interviewing for a new position at a new company.  Here are 10 tips to help you ace the job interview:

  1. A firm handshake. Perhaps you would rather put your hands together, while murmuring “Namaste”, but that isn’t going to do the trick for most HR people.  They are looking for a sturdy and confident handshake, one that will crack open a salted peanut shell, but not a brazil nut.  You can prepare yourself for giving this kind of a handshake by taking a navel orange with you wherever you go and squeezing it in your right hand constantly.  You will soon notice how stronger your grip is getting.  Try to ignore the fruit flies.
  2. Eye contact.  This goes right along with your handshake.  You have to be able to stare straight into the eyes of your interviewer, like Svengali, and mesmerize them with the force of your personality.  Then command them to rob Fort Knox and deliver the gold to you at the old abandoned warehouse down at the waterfront; this is the basis of about half the recent blockbusters we’ve had foisted on us by Hollywood.
  3. Dress for success. On the other hand, you can’t be discriminated against for your personal beliefs; so why not join a nudist colony and show up for your job interview accordingly?  At least  we could then view it on CNN.
  4. Hold a reverse job fair; invite employers to come see YOU so you can decide if they are a good fit for what you have in mind. Give them each a cheap plastic keychain with your name on it.  Make sure to mispronounce their names consistently.
  5. Stuff some cash in a manila envelope and slip it to the HR person doing the interview.  The trick is to not say anything; let them assume whatever they want.  If you are hauled before a judge just say you were making a donation to their favorite charity.  (That way you can get a receipt.)
  6. Use a fountain pen. This will show how much elegance and class you have – and that you have not yet accepted the Internet.
  7. Eat a celery stick just before the interview. There’s nothing better for your breath than a crisp stalk of celery.  While you’re interviewing be sure to pick out all those annoying celery strings that tend to get caught between your teeth – this will give you something to talk about during lulls in the conversation.
  8. Prepare ahead of time. When you meet your interviewer be sure to say “I know where you live and how many children you have.”  This is guaranteed to make you the center of attention.
  9. Never ask about salary.  Just TELL them about it; how you made millions investing in Silicon Valley and lost it all when the bubble burst and are now looking to recoup your losses by getting a huge expense account from your new company.
  10. Don’t accept their first offer. It’s always just a feeler.  Demand the vice presidency of marketing or you’ll walk.  Once you are out the door and back on the street you can be assured they are going to talk about your interview for a long time to come.  First impressions are very important.

slowburn

Break That Writer’s Block!

Bela Lugosi

HOW TO OVERCOME WRITER’S BLOCK.

 

So okay, you’re a writer and you have a deadline looming over you, breathing down your neck like Bela Lugosi ready to nip – and you can’t think of a single, solitary thing to write.  You have that most dreaded of all literary diseases, Writer’s Block!  Don’t jump off a cliff or chew hemlock; there are ways and means of overcoming this repulsive condition.  Here are 10 surefire strategies to unleash your muse:

  1. Order a pizza. With anchovies.  When it comes, pick the anchovies off and line them up in a row on your desk and begin chanting:  “Fishy, fishy, briny chaps, can you write for me perhaps?”  The anchovies will come to life and write whatever you tell them to.  Or not.  Nobody promised you writing was a magical experience, did they?  So eat your pizza and stop whining.
  2. Pick a word, any word.  Write it over and over again, until you become thoroughly sick of that word.  It will be the title of your piece.  Then go on the Internet to hire some drudge for $5.00 to finish the article for you.
  3. Mix tomato juice with one fresh squeezed lemon, a dash of cayenne pepper, two drops of horse chestnut extract, and a large dollop of ambergris. Shake well until the ambergris dissolves. Then scream —  because if you had a decent sized chunk of ambergris you wouldn’t ever have to write anything ever again; that stuff is worth a small fortune!
  4.   Talk out your writing assignment with an imaginary friend.  Do it in public.  You’ll soon be resting easy in a quiet room with soft, white walls.
  5. Go on a short vacation. Say, to the Maldives.  Only a year or two.  When you get back that troubling writing assignment won’t seem so troubling anymore – if you can even remember what it was supposed to be about.
  6. Embrace futility. Admit that life is short and nasty.  Confess that whether you write or don’t write won’t make a bit of difference in the long run.  Let the words drool out of your pen or your fingers on the keyboard.  Nothing can hurt you if you don’t care. Remember that all colors come from white.  And check to see if those anchovies have moved any.
  7. Change your writing position. If you’re used to writing in your home, go to the library; if you’re used to writing at the library, go to a bus stop; if you’re used to writing while standing up, try writing while standing on your head.  If you’ve been writing letters, try numerals.
  8. Begin your assignment in the middle. Who needs a beginning and end? Put in an endnote saying that all missing details are irrelevant.

9.       Try writing in Chinese.  为什么不呢 ?

 

 

10.    Gosh dang it, I quit; I just can’t come up with anything else!

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bricks

Whether you are a writer or a reader, you’ll appreciate the vast selection of fiction and non-fiction at Pioneer Book, in downtown Provo, Utah.  Also, if you have books to sell they will be very happy to look over your collection and make you a fair offer.  If you don’t see what you need at their book store they have the resources and network to find it for you, including rare and out of print books.  Visit them online at:   http://pioneerbook.com/

 

 

Stress Free Moving

Make your next move easy, instead of queasy!
Make your next move easy, instead of queasy!

Americans under the age of forty move on average at least once every three years.  Those under 30 move an average of once every six months.  And those under three never STOP moving, as any weary parent can tell you.  But anyway.  We are a nation of movers, and sometimes shakers (but mostly movers).  So here’s a list of ways and means to make your next move stress free:

  • Pack all the items you will need immediately when you arrive at your new home in a black metal strong box. Lock it securely.  Give the key to someone you trust implicitly, such as an astronaut.  Put the black metal strong box in the back of your rental truck, and pile everything else on top of it, so it will be safe.
  • Wrap all your breakable and fragile items in raw wool. The naturally occurring lanolin will make everything so slippery that you’ll have no trouble sliding that priceless piece of Murano glass out of its cocoon and right onto the tile floor.
  • Label all your boxes, so you know what’s in them and what room to put them in. Examples would be:  “Stuff from the closet”, “On the basement stairs”, and “Explosives”.
  • Show up at your new residence prior to your possessions arriving so you can wax the floors. Furniture movers just love it when they can skate across a room while carrying a chaise longue!
  • Purchase a role of stretch wrap.  Use it on your friends when they start to explain why they can’t come over this weekend to help you move.
  • If there are items you don’t plan on taking with you, do the generous thing – throw them through your neighbor’s windows as you leave. That’ll teach ‘em to practice the bagpipes at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning!
  • Fill in nail holes with Parmesan cheese. Don’t use cream cheese; it shrinks.
  • Don’t forget to defrost the refrigerator. If you want to be quick about it, use a blowtorch.  Especially if the fridge stays behind.
  • If you’re moving across country, ship the kids by Greyhound. Their rates are cheap, and for an extra ten dollars the kids can be “lost” for an additional week to give you a breather.  Just give the little tykes plenty of bubble wrap!
  • Don’t make neat, equal stacks. No one likes a show off.
  • If you find a bunch of spare change super glue it to the sidewalk in the middle of the night; then watch the lumbago attacks next morning.
  • Tell your in-laws you’re thinking about a split, and then ask them to help you move. Your stuff will be packaged and packed in record time.  Then tell them you’ve decided on having a banana split after all – hang the weight gain!
  • Invite your new neighbors over for a potluck.  When they arrive, give them one of the pots busted during the move, wish them good luck, and escort them out the back door.

For more information on the crazy person who wrote this, go to gofundme!

Your Travel Itinerary This Fall.

landfill

Fall is a beautiful time of year to visit some of the country’s most memorable landfills.  These overlooked gems will repay a day’s visit many times over – with memories, cherished photographs, and olfactory stimulation.  And a real plus is that most of them are free and open to the public 7 days a week!  Here are 11 must-see landfills for your autumn itinerary:

  1. Williamsburg Landfill.   An authentic colonial trash heap.  In it you can find whalebone corsets, pewter buttons, and possibly a splintered set of George Washington’s wooden dentures!  There are also scraps of foolscap on which Thomas Jefferson doodled some early versions of our Constitution—such as his unsuccessful, but highly intriguing, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Buxom Blondes.”
  2. Bemidji Landfill.   Minnesota is known as the “Land of Ten-Thousand Landfills”.  The one in Bemidji is noted for its huge selection of lutefisk, a Norwegian cod delicacy that has proven indestructible, and inedible, to generations of Midwesterners.  While you’re there, don’t neglect the roadside stands that sell road kill; you can enjoy such delicacies as squirrel pancakes and Frisbee ala skunk.
  3. Corn Landfill.   They grow lots corn in Iowa, and most of it, despite what you may have heard, gets dumped into landfills, and then covered with pig manure.  The combination produces a heady aroma that some have likened to the wine vats of Bordeaux.
  4. Amarillo Landfill.   Here you will find a midden of smoldering chili remains, so volatile that the Atomic Energy Commission has been put in charge – for a nominal fee you can rent a Geiger counter and bring in your own corn chips.
  5. Louisiana Landfill.   A whole bayou just oozing with dreck; you’re invited to sit back and observe the alligators struggling with plastic bags over their snouts and snow white egrets pecking at abandoned hard drives.
  6. Sunshine Landfill.  What does NASA do with all its faulty equipment?  Simple; they dump it at this wonderful landfill!  Dig out a rusted booster rocket and a leaking barrel of rocket fuel, and have a fine old time playing Buck Rogers!
  7. Wise Guy Landfill. New Jersey.  The largest selection of cement overshoes in the entire country!  And some of the original owners are still in them.
  8. Bakken Basin Landfill. North Dakota.  Oil derricks don’t last forever; when they start to rust and topple over they are stacked up at this formidable landfill.  Climbing a pile of them is more fun than rock climbing, since they are slippery with crude oil.
  9. Rocky Mountain Landfill.   Dude, everyone’s got the munchies here now – so, like, we just live on potato chips and cheese curls, and, like, throw all the empty bags in, like, this canyon, which is way cool . . .
  10. Glacier National Landfill.   Because of global warming, the coast of Alaska now basks in a permanent tropical weather pattern – and all those coconuts and mangoes have to be disposed of quickly, thrown down a glacial crevasse.  Otherwise, it’s bad for the tourist business.
  11. Washington D.C. Landfill. District of Columbia.  Do you think people actually READ the Congressional Record?  Hah!  It has to be stored in a landfill for 50 years, until all the hot air dissipates.

There are Some Things Your Bed Doesn’t Want You to Know . . .

bed

We all enjoy going to bed at night, or, at least, we should enjoy it.  After a hard day’s work we deserve to relax in the privacy and comfort of our own bower of repose.  Beds are everybody’s servant and nobody’s enemy.  But, like everything else on this mortal coil, there are some things your bed doesn’t want you to know:

  • Bedbugs are increasing.  Remember that old bedtime rhyme that unfeeling parents used to croon over their drowsy children?  “Good night/sleep tight/don’t let the bed bugs bite.”  Humph.  Well, those little blood suckers are making a comeback – from the fancy New York hotel to the humble cottage in the dell, those devilish creatures are once again increasing in numbers and territory.  There is only one sure way to avoid their depredations; hang by your toes from the ceiling like a bat when you sleep.
  • The Japanese sleep on a tatami mat, not on a bed.  It’s unrolled on the floor at night, like a roll of  butcher paper, and rolled up again in the morning.  This is how the Japanese have sawed wood for the past 2-thousand years or longer.  Do they suffer from insomnia?  No, they do not.  That’s because they only manage to sleep 45 minutes at night before their bodies start to ache.  That inscrutable look the Japanese are famous for?  It’s just big bags under their eyes.  World War Two would have started sooner if the militarists in Japan could have found the secret location of the Sealy Posturepedic Mattress Factory – they wanted to capture it for their own nefarious snoozing!
  • Pillows are unhealthy.  They tilt your neck at an unnatural angle, allowing all your brain juice to drain out during the night.  That’s why when you wake up in the morning you feel so gosh-darned stupid; it takes a full four hours for your body to pump all that brain juice back up into your head.  Until that occurs, you should try thinking with your toes.
  • Dust mites inhabit your bed sheets by the thousands.  Ugh!  The best way to kill them off is to let your bed sheets lay exposed to the open air and light.  So don’t make your bed.  I don’t care what your mother says.  You show her a photograph of a dust mite,  and she will run away screaming!
  • The weight of your average mattress DOUBLES in ten years, due to the accumulation of dust.  No fooling!  Cross my Wikipedia and hope to spit.  There’s no way to get that dust out of your mattress, so you should either replace your mattress or move to a completely furnished new house every ten years.
  • Mattresses are now made to be no-flip.  And car insurance is no-fault.  What’s the connection?  Send us 2 box tops and a pound of mattress dust and we’ll send you a booklet explaining everything.
  • Fitted sheets are manufactured to never fit exactly.  It’s a conspiracy!  One end will always come loose during the night.  That’s so they can sell you those elastic clip thingies to hold down the corners of your so-called fitted sheet.  This is planned obsolescence at its deepest and darkest!