The Mystery of Wine.


(Inspired by an article by Eric Asimov)

Wine is unpredictable, and so are those who drink it.

Is it overpriced grape juice? (Fie on those who think it!)

Rather, it is romance bottled by an artificer

That makes of life a glory (or just a little nicer.)


Each grape is handled with great care, its provenance debated

Before it’s processed into hootch at prices much inflated.

Labeled with a French or German title, it will fetch

A fee to make Bill Gates begin to tremble and to kvetch.


Plebeians cannot comprehend that viticulture soars

Above the heads of monarchs, presidents, and pinchbeck bores.

The mystery of wine is for the lover and the fool;

It will cause the one to sigh, the other one to drool.

If I Were President.



There’s an old Betty Boop cartoon called “If I Were President” which is fun to watch, even in an off election year.  In it Betty promises that streetcars will not only run on time, but go up the sides of buildings to pick people up so they don’t have to come all the way down to the lobby and out into the street; now THAT is a presidential candidate with customer service on her mind!

In a similar vein, I have decided to list the 9 things I would do if I were elected to the Oval Office:

  1. Abolish the IRS. A no-brainer, right?  They’ve always been about as popular as sand in spinach dip.  I propose that instead of hounding people to pay their taxes with the IRS as muscle, I will ask Bill Gates to chip in some of his astounding wealth to keep us afloat, and then in return give him the deed to the Moon.  Cuz, yeah, America owns the Moon, right?  (Wink-wink; there’s one born every minute!)
  2. Make Tom Cruise Vice President. How cool would that be? Ol’ Tom would get after those terrorists and scofflaws and beat ‘em to a pulp and then make love to every beautiful woman in the room.  In just one afternoon.  The rest of the time I’d put him on display at the Smithsonian.
  3. Give every American citizen over the age of twenty a free electric car. Oh wait . . . my campaign manager says I misspoke.  I meant to say a free electric razor, okay?  (Whew!  Almost blew that PAC donation from Big You-Know-What!)
  4. Shake hands with babies and kiss all their mothers. I don’t CARE what my campaign manager says about this one – he can campaign HIS way and I’ll campaign MY way.  And guess which one of us will have the most fun?
  5. Outlaw parking meters. If cities want to raise money they can steal hubcaps like the rest of us.
  6. Open an all-you-can-eat cafeteria in the White House. Whenever some foreign nabob shows up he or she can just wait in line for a corn dog and custard pudding, instead of wasting the president’s time and all that money with fancy-schmancy banquets.  And they’d better be good tippers, too, or I just might have Congress declare war on their country.
  7. If I’m elected, I promise to take a long nap every afternoon; I’ve learned from long experience that that is the best way to stay out of trouble.
  8. I will handle Congress with a firm hand. If they won’t pass a decent and timely Federal budget I will send them to their rooms without any supper and they won’t be allowed to watch reruns of The West Wing.
  9. Replace our stodgy national anthem with “Yes, We Have No Bananas!” That song will be much more catchy at baseball games and no one will pop a tonsil trying to reach those treacherous high notes in the current anthem.  It’ll be good for baseball, good for the country, and it won’t hurt the native banana industry one little bit!



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