Ode to Foie Gras.



I haven’t lost the tastes that I grew up with as a child;

Sweet and salty, buttered, and then always very mild.

My mother thought of blandness as a useful spice, you see;

It was basic to her way of life, and all her cookery.


So when I’m faced with foie gras, and all other haute cuisine,

My platter very likely I will not wholly lick clean.

Goose liver isn’t something that I think of as a food –

It’s more of an enigma over which a man may brood.


Why should the Gallic goose be stuffed with corn just so gourmets

Can stuff themselves with foie gras until their eyes begin to glaze?

I’d rather have a Slim Jim with a can of Mountain Dew;

Such grease and carbonation are my steady pot-au-feu.



The Male/Female Dictionary.


Since the dawn of time man and woman have used the same words to speak different languages.  When a man says one thing, he means one thing – but when a woman says the exact same thing, she means something far different.  This has led to many battles between the sexes.  In an effort to end the bloodshed, we have compiled a brief He/She Dictionary of words and phrases to help you navigate these treacherous, but fascinating, waters:

  • How are you? HE:  “You still alive? Good – don’t tell me any more.”  SHE:  “Tell me everything that’s happened to you in the last 24 hours.”
  • Don’t mention it. HE: “It’s okay.”  SHE:  “See my lawyer.”
  • Are you hungry? HE:  “Let’s order a pizza and a gallon of Mountain Dew.”  SHE:  “Is the Perrier cold yet?”
  • How’s work? HE:  “So what did your idiotic boss do today to ruin your life?”  SHE:  “So what’s your next step in becoming boss?”
  • Have you seen the screwdriver?  HE:  “I wanna go out to the garage and play.”  SHE:  “Time to go shopping!”
  • HE:  “I don’t care.”  SHE:  “You don’t care.”
  • I need a haircut. HE:  “I need a haircut.”  SHE:  “I need to completely overhaul my whole appearance!”
  • I’ll be back in a moment. HE:  “I gotta use the bathroom.”  SHE:  “Don’t wait up for me.”
  • Do you need some help? HE:  “I don’t have anything else to do right now.”  SHE:  “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
  • What time is it? HE:  “I’m so important that I don’t even need to wear a watch.”  SHE: “I need to be somewhere else.”
  • He’s a good friend/She’s a good friend.  HE:  “I haven’t killed him yet.”  SHE:  “I weigh ten pounds less than she does.”
  • Let me think about it. HE:  “No.”  SHE:  “What’s in it for me?”
  • How much does it cost? HE:  “And include the sales tax.”  SHE:  “I want two.”
  • How much farther is it? HE:  “I know a place where we can stop for lunch.”  SHE:  “We should have turned right three miles back.”
  • Would you do me a favor? HE:  “You’re not going to like this.”  SHE:  “I am going to do you a favor.”
  • We don’t see eye to eye. HE:  “I like chicken and she likes seafood.”  SHE:  “We’re breaking up.”
  • Would you take the garbage out, please? HE:  “Work, slave!”  SHE:  “Work, slave!”
  • It doesn’t get any better than this. HE:  “Free refills.”  SHE:  “They’ve upped my credit card limit!”
  • That looks good. HE:  “Can I have a piece?”  SHE:  “It’s going straight to your thighs.”
  • Do you want to come along? HE:  “You don’t want to come along.”  SHE:  “Don’t worry—we’ll fit in some shopping, too.”
  • My feet hurt.  HE:  “I’m in pain.”  SHE:  “Don’t you just LOVE my new shoes?”
  • Let me get cleaned up first. HE:  “April Fool!”  SHE:  “Do I have time for a bikini wax?”
  • I’m sorry; it was my fault. HE:  “I’m tired of arguing.  SHE:  (This concept does not exist in the Female language.)