Cues to a Bad Relationship — 35, to be Exact.

jiggs

 

  1. You only stroll hand in hand when you’re handcuffed together.
  2. You give her flowers when she has hay fever; she gives you chocolates when you are on a diet.
  3. If you’re not arguing, you’re asleep.
  4. You take taxis everywhere, because when either one drives the other has hysterics.
  5. Your wedding plans not only include a prenup, but a set of the Marquis of Queensbury Rules.
  6. You treat each other with so much exaggerated courtesy that others suspect you are trying to kill each other with kindness.
  7. You both join a church just to learn more about what hell will be like for each other.
  8. Your prospective in-laws have contacted Ripley’s Believe-it-or-Not about you.
  9. You’re already in arbitration about who’s in charge of the TV remote.
  10. You get along fine, when you both have laryngitis.
  11. In the grocery store you both ask for sour grapes.
  12. You have “I’m sorry” tattooed on your arm, and she has “I told you so!” tattooed on the back of her shoulder.
  13. When you go out for dinner, you not only ask for separate checks . . . but separate tables.
  14. You begin to wonder if you can have a soul mate without a soul.
  15. Any room you’re in together needs air conditioning.
  16. You not only rub each other the wrong way, you give each other splinters.
  17. You may be evenly yoked, but you keep spitting out the bit.
  18. ‘Teamwork’ sounds like a type of punishment to you.
  19. You know exactly where you want to hold each other’s funeral – and when.
  20. The only way you can hold your tongue is to pretend it’s the other one’s throat.
  21. You can’t imagine living without him or her – but you’d like to try.
  22. You are right for each other in all the wrong ways.
  23. You’re not a couple, you’re a chain reaction.
  24. You work well with a crosscut saw, because when one pulls the other pushes.
  25. Curiosity takes the place of romance.
  26. The volume of communication rises the longer you are together.
  27. You can forgive the past, but not the future.
  28. You are ready to take your relationship to the next level, and hope that there will be a deep cliff nearby.
  29. You’ve both learned a new language – sarcasm.
  30. You no longer shave every day, and neither does she.
  31. It started as puppy love, then went to the dogs.
  32. Your partner is still your mirror image, but cracked and with the silver lining gone.
  33. You are two minds with but a single thought – mayhem.
  34. You use the word ‘tolerance’ with each other when what you mean is ‘indifference’.
  35. You know you have finally found the right person to be with – yourself.

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