Hell Hath No Fury Like a Social Media Affair.

When you break up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, please beware

That they might use social media their grievances to air.

You may find that all those Snapchats that you thought had disappeared

Are circulating with the goal of getting you quite smeared.

 

Your job may be in jeopardy, your current flame near doused,

Your friends are much disgusted, and your parents want to joust.

Suddenly the whole world knows your intimate affections,

Some of which may int’rest the Department of Corrections.

 

My advice is wear a mask when on the internet.

Use a diff’rent voice and dye your hair a light brunette.

Social media today may bring us close together

But it can be a garrote as well as simple tether.

The Money Maven.

I never met a dollar bill I didn’t like, but then

A dollar bill is easy, not at all like krone or yen.

If I had my druthers I would never venture out

To deal with fiscal policy or monetary drought.

 

But experts say that ev’ryone must be a money maven,

Responsible to guide themselves into a golden haven.

But I don’t have a green thumb when it comes to growing kale,

The kind you spend on autos or to send your kids to Yale.

 

I may be old and wise, but not a penny have I saved;

To me all stocks and bonds are inconceivably depraved.

I’ll stay an ignoramus when it comes to amortization.

Pauperism is my calling and my true vocation.

***************************************************

This financial blog is definitely NOT brought to you by America First Credit Union.  In fact,they won’t even let us use their logo here.

One-Party Rule.

One-party rule in state legislatures

Seems to agree with most sanguine natures.

Power corrupts, Lord Acton admonished;

So why should this tendency leave us astonished?

 

A balance of power, while dandy in theory,

Makes politicians feel kinda leery.

Someone must lead, and someone must follow –

Subordinates always find this hard to swallow.

 

The only solution is govern by lot,

Letting each party have just a brief tot

Of ruling and then let the other one try

To undo the damage and be the fall guy.

*******************************************************************

Lord Acton

Ode to Smith’s Bar.

Another bar and grill has bit the dust, I’m sad to say;

It had its boozy moment in the sun, and then away . . .

They say it stood for sixty years, a monument to vice;

Where virtue ambled in and staggered out none too precise.

 

The patrons were a potpourri of local color that

Might give you a Wall Street tip or puke into your hat.

You had to watch your wallet but if you’d the gift of gab

The bartender would offer an elasticized bar tab.

 

I don’t know why I’m teary for that godforsaken hole.

The floor was filth incarnate and the john as black as coal.

They corrupted youth and bled old age of all their ready cash.

I guess my memory can’t tell the treasure from the trash.

 

Third Quarter Economic Output.

An Economist. 

Economic output in third quarter companies

Expanded with a humble and a modest bit of ease.

While no one is exulting or has called for party hats

Perhaps the time has come to reconsider wearing spats.

 

Tis true the inequality of income grows much greater.

The middle class is teetering upon a gaping crater.

And homelessness has never been so savage or widespread.

But as Clement Moore had Santa show, there is nothing much to dread.

 

The Federal Reserve has stopped its bond purchasing spree –

And if it’s good enough for them then it is good enough for me!

I’ll take my EBT card to the nearest Dollar Store

And cash my unemployment check with them again once more.

***************************************************

This blog is most assuredly NOT brought to you by Senator Orrin Hatch’s office.  He and his staff want NOTHING to do with it.

Save the Salamanders!

We gotta start protecting salamanders from infection;

We need a screening process for immediate detection

Of fungal guests that latch on to their salamander hosts

And turn them into desiccated pet shop-haunting ghosts.

 

The trouble is the salamander isn’t very cute

And often is depicted as some slimy crawling brute.

Nobody wants to donate to the cause of such a creature,

Unless you are a rather nerdy middle high school teacher.

 

Can we get Nicole Kidman to adopt one as a pet?

Or go to bed with Justin Bieber – even better yet!

If we can make ‘em sexy and politc’ly correct,

Fort Knox will barely hold all of the money we’ll collect!

************************************************************

This biological blog is so not brought to you by Kneaders Bakery & Cafe.  They want nothing to do with salamanders.

The New York Times Posts Quarterly Loss!

Oh my gosh, the New York Times did post a quarterly loss!

Let us man the lifeboats to save their ink-stained gloss!

They’re sinking in an ocean of red ink, I am afeard;

And what will their reporters do when once they’ve disappeared?

 

That waitress down at Denny’s who is wearing black high heels

Was once their correspondent for all mergers and big deals.

That guy who changed your oil while in a stylish pinstripe suit

Once traveled with the Yankees and with Jeter could get cute.

 

I’ve got a dollar-fifty I will gladly now subscribe

To succor each and ev’ry unemployed and hungry scribe.

We’ve got to help reporters, though it’s only a quick fix;

Otherwise they’re likely to go into politics!

******************************************************

This blog is emphatically NOT brought to you by White Castle.  They want nothing to do unempwith it.

South of Mason Dixon.

South of Mason Dixon Democrats are playing dirty,

Riling up Republicans and making them feel shirty;

Digging up the past like archeologists on site

And whispering “Oh Ferguson” to give ‘em all a fright.

 

The PAC funds are abundant, like persimmons on a tree;

Ripe and juicy, ready for the best chicanery.

Leaflets multiply and breed in mailbox nesting spaces,

Killing trees just for the sake of legislative races.

 

Who is right and who is wrong in all this Donnybrook

Is hard to know, disguised in all this shabby gobbledygook.

The issues may not be completely black and white, forsooth!

But that has never stopped the politician’s duel with truth.

****************************************************************

This bodacious blog is NOT endorsed by your local Democratic Party.  They wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.

Proud to be . . . ?

Can I say I am proud to be straight? No I can’t.

It’s considered a hate crime or threatening rant.

How about proud to be sober today?

In Denver it’s not the American way.

 

Semantics and politics take what I spout

and make me a saint or a terrible lout.

The verdict of thousands on mobile devices

Nowadays in all ways truly suffices.

 

Opinion and truth might agree to rebuke,

But in this world that would be quite a rare fluke.

Judgement Day, once the preserve of the Lord,

Is now in the hands of the internet horde.

**************************************************************

This didactic verse is NOT brought to you by Check City.  They want nothing to do with it.

Eight Ways to Take Advantage of the Next Black Hole to Appear in Your Back Yard.

 

Things are going along pretty nicely when suddenly you wake up one morning to find a Black Hole in your backyard.  There’s no need to panic or call 911; this is a common, everyday occurrence around the world.  People have been dealing with Black Holes in their back yards for many years without turning so much as a hair, and you can too.  Now if it was a Black Hole in your FRONT yard that would be a true catastrophe.  But, as we say, most Black Holes pop up overnight in the backyard, and here are 8 tips on what to do with them.

1. No more recycling worries! Just toss everything you don’t want or need any more into your convenient Black Hole.  We do suggest you put a fence around it, to keep anything (or anyone) from falling into it by “accident”.  Ha.
2. Troll for Captain Janeway. She’s still in there somewhere, despite the Hollywood happy ending they tried to fob off on us!  Rig up some 20 lb fishing line and bait it with a thermos of strong black coffee –she always did like her java that way!
3. Nasturtiums do very well as a border for Black Holes. You won’t need to water them; your Black Hole will manage to pull down plenty of rain clouds as they try to pass overhead.
4. Since Black Holes generate an inconceivable amount of energy, you can jury rig a power outlet that will run every electric appliance in your home.  Just invite some of the boys from the Large Hadron Collider over in Switzerland to stop by for a barbeque and ask them to hook it up for you – they’ll be glad to oblige after they’ve had a couple of beers.
5. The Event Horizon is a good place to build a gazebo. The view is amazing.  And you won’t be bothered by mosquitos.
6. While Black Holes themselves are completely noiseless, some of the items they suck in may make quite a racket – such as airplanes, utility lines, nervous people, or buildings. To muffle any unpleasant sound we suggest you replace the nasturtiums with a hawthorn hedge.
7. Occasionally something from another dimension may force its way out of your Black Hole and want to hang around the neighborhood. Most of these disgusting things are not malignant, just curious.  It’s best to have a very large shop vac on hand, so you can clean them up as they enter our world; most landfills will take them off your hands for an additional fee.
8. Black Holes do have a tendency to meander. This means that your Black Hole may wind up in the neighbor’s yard, or even out in the street where it might disrupt traffic.  If your Black Hole wants to wander you can keep it in place by offering it sacrifices while dressed in a grass skirt with your face painted deep purple.  Just bow down before it, chanting “Bugawuga mufu, O mighty one!”  and throw chicken gizzards into it.  It’ll settle right down and become like a member of your own family in no time.

*************************************************************

This scientific blog is brought to you by America First Credit Union.  They understand your needs and budget, and they are so honest you can set your watch by them!