(Editor’s note: This is an example of a standard cover letter that should get you in the door for your first mental examination. Good luck!)
Here is the cover letter you requested in your job posting.
I will keep it as short, plain and simple as possible. I was once an assistant supervisor and was stuck with reading dozens of these things on a rainy afternoon; they about drove me up a Jefferies Tube.
Although there are scads of books and websites that cover how to write an effective cover letter, the basic premise of the cover letter itself still eludes me. Should it be a broadside, a panegyric, or a fairy tale? I applied for a job on a newspaper once, and the editor, in turning me down, said “I loved your cover letter, but hated your resume.” I am still trying to figure that one out . . .
My best guess is that you want me to lay some 30-second power statements on you, all bulleted and bristling with percentages and numbers. So here are a couple of my patented escalator (elevator?) speeches, all bulleted and ready for market. Prepare to be dazzled! My resume will follow shortly, as soon as I look up the new telephone number of my probation officer . . .
- I am a born raconteur. By Federal law, your company needs to have at least six raconteurs on the premises at all times. I belong to the Raconteur’s Union, have my raconteur license, and at my last job I raconteured so much that they made my supervisor the Pope of Mars. How do you like THEM apples?
- I have absolutely no attention to detail. You think this is a weakness, a fault? Not at all. I only look at the BIG PICTURE, and leave all the details to the peons like janitors, accountants and body guards. I once increased the sales in my department by 44% simply by fibbing about the product line. Customers believed me and bought the product like crazy; when they discovered it didn’t do half of what I said it would, only 22% bothered to return it or complain. That is a clear gain of 22%, no matter how you look at it!
- My team spirit is such that if you, as my employer, were to ask me to jump off a cliff, I, as a team player, would say “Are you out of your cotton-pickin’ mind?” After all, I couldn’t let my TEAM down by suddenly being smooshed, could I?
- I have never been more than 2 hours late to work in my entire life. I pride myself on being punctual, yet lenient with myself. Someday I might even buy a watch. I hear Timex has some good ones for around $12.00. I will save your company approximately oodles of money by being late, because, let’s face it, the less time I spend in the office the less harm I can do.
- Your company cannot survive without me. I’m sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but I am the only person on earth who possess the exact superpowers your organization needs right at this moment to avoid intergalactic calamity! And don’t spare the Kryptonite!
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